When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I can't put those talents on a resume
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
