allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Vodka?
Forever.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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