be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
