apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
