he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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