suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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