I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
