...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize