Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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