his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize