Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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