I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
