Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
