I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize