Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
