Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
