mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
