She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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