I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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