I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
