I have demons in me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
