I'm gonna have a badass scar
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
