I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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