I faked an abortion last night.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
