i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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