I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I want to have your abortion
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
