drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
