She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize