remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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