so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize