Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
