Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
