drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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