i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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