we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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