On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Pooping to opera.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
