Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
