I can text with my tongue
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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