When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
