My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
