Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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