At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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