I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
