So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
