It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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