Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
