I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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