So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
