She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
