with your own penis?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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