I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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