just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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