You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
