Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Randomize
