i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
