dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
