I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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