I think I died a long time ago.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
